luni, 19 noiembrie 2012

The optimism of a pessimist

What do you do when you find yourself into a maze, blindfolded not knowing what you are looking for? They say and it's been one of my beliefs that is best not to have expectations. Reality changes when expectations are added in the picture and misery soon follows. It's hard not to expect, not to picture the future, not to try to see in advance, to imagine what it would be like. What happens when you are afraid that your worse fears might come to life? Fear is a dangerous thing, a monster that stops you from doing what you want, from saying what you want, from being, from living. When you don't have expectations, when you are not waiting for something, amazing things might happen. You may find yourself in an adventure on unknown ground and also into yourself, guided by others, forced to trust others, blindfolded and in the end flying safely above the night sky. Well it happen to my one night without expecting it and at the end of my little unexpected adventure i found myself smilling. Yes, it's true, someone might surprise you when you least expect - bringing you coffee, flowers or maybe just a smile in the middle of the day - and that's the beauty of it. They say to enjoy every second, to be greatful for every second & for everything. Yes, it's hard, very hard when you find yourself at the bottom. The ideea is to stop waiting and to live now. Some things might never happen so just live. We often find ourselves on ou way to places, persons without will, without being in the mood, without actually beeing there, but sometimes life surprises us and offers an unexpected adventure or perspective. And fears...yes fears are there, within, fears are when we look back on what it was and forward to see what lies ahead, but sometimes it's good just to be here & now. We are miserable because we constantly want to change things, change where we are, what we do, where we go, change thoughts, feelings, we are desperate for control and we are sometimes...spitting against the wind and at least from time to time is best to let the wind blow you away and stop fighting it.

miercuri, 3 octombrie 2012

Painting on wood - Space - Dixit inspiration

Poker face?

Life is a stage or better yet it is made of many stages & many plays. It is all made of stages, acts, masks. Everything is an act - authentic or less authentic. And sometimes you get tired of your part or parts as we all have different parts in various contexts. You use masks to hide, to pretend, to fool. But you get tired of the fake smile & the clown nose. The poker face is safe, protective and it may help achieving your goals. You practice and you practice & life gives you the opportunities to built & implement your poker faces. But at a point you get tired to pretend, to act like it's ok, like u're not hurt, like you don't need support, help, hugs. Indeed life sometimes makes you stronger than you ever thought you could be, gives you the power to put a smile on your face & the strenght to look at the sky with hope. And not all are poker faces, not all pretend, some are honest faces, pure & sincere roles acting on the stage of life. Sometimes you let down the guard, remove the poker face and let the audience see the real you as you perform. And it's great...for a while. You act with your full heart. But other poker faces, other scenes, other acts & characters distract your audience. And while your public gets distracted by every tree, every setting, every detail and every new line, you put back your poker face & return to your usual parts. On some stages you should have the leading role and be the one that receives the applauses and the flowers at the end. But when the audience is busy with their phones, their laptops, their chair mate, their "did i close the window" thoughts, their sleeping during the play, they miss the story, the laughs, the flirting, the game and eventually you may wanna stop trying, you may wanna leave the stage. We are all paid actors...paid in certain ways...but no actor will perform on a stage where he is not appreciated, wanted, cheered, loved. Both actor & audience should learn their parts really good...the actor should constantly improve his skills & the audience should always be prepared, read & leard about the play, about the actor...

marți, 21 august 2012

Ciudat de Ciulnita

Ciudad de Ciulnita: metropola controversata, populatie 2556 locuitori Provocare de weekend: to get to Calarasi! 5:55 am – Waking up 7:00 am – Locatie: Gara de Nord, desi pe internet imi apareau destule variante valabile ca sa ajung la Calarasi, dupa ce stau evident la un pic de coada, ghiseul Garii de Nord imi ofera replica: "Sigur, sigur la ora 14:00 cu legatura in Ciulnita". Zic: "nu nu nu, cel de acum la 7:25". "Sigur, ajunge la 9:20, iar legatura dvs. pleaca la 9:05" mi se raspunde. Indraznesc sa zic: "atunci nu e legatura". "Puteti lua cel de 14". Ok, abandonez! Incep conversatii la telefon – mi se da un pont: microbuz de pe langa piata Matache. Ok – drum pana la Matache, multe destinatii: Alexandria, Tecuci, Caracal etc, but no Calarasi. 7:25 Back in Gare du Nord. Alt pont, dat de ceferistul casei: "zi-i sa-ti dea la cel de la Arad care are intarziere 80 de minute". Revin la ghiseu: "ok dati-mi va rog, pana in Ciulnita. "Sigur, aveti la 8:20, cel de 7;25 a plecat" mi se raspunsde din spatele ghiseului. "Nu, nu, nu dati-mi la cel care vine de la Arad". "Nu va pot da la acela pentru ca nu stiu cand ajunge, cum pleaca, nu il am in grafic. Ok cedez: "dati-mi la 8:20". Intre timp marele ceferist se enerveaza si o ia spre peroane. Ma tin dupa el, gaseste trenul de Arad, vorbeste ceva cu nasica, ea imi ia biletul si zice "sigur, urcati", urc, in secunda 3 pleaca trenul. Flutur o mana in graba si incep sa inaintez prin vagoane, asa cum mi s-a indicat. Am pornit, insa inaintam ca melcul, ca broscutele testoase, ca lumea la servici luni dimineata, u name it. 8:20 Vine nasica, imi ia biletul, scrie ceva pe el, o intreb cat mai face pana la Ciulnita (dupa calculele mele cel care pleca la 8:20 ajungea la 9:30 deci plecand la 7:45 trebuia sa ajunga la aprox 9??). Imi zice ca vom avea restrictie de viteza si dupa Sarulesti, Lehliu mai face cam 15 min. Ok bun, ma lamuresc, nasica pleaca in ale ei. 8:40 Ma distrez cu o pustoaica de vreo 4-5 ani, care dupa ce vede ca imi pun ochelarii de soare ii cere maica-sii sa ii dea pe ai ei si asa stam amandoua pe culoar cu ochelarii pe nas, admirand campul. Vorbesc la telefon, omul meu de legatura care urma sa ma preia era confuzat: care Ciulnita – daca cea de langa Slobozia sau cea de langa Drajna. Eu, pui de ceferist zic "hm" in capul meu e doar una - aia dinspre mare, dar se pare ca sunt 2, cu ceva km intre ele. Ok, hold on, incep sa googalesc distante rutiere Calarasi-Ciulnita, dar 3G-ul nu ma ajuta deloc azi. Nu reusesc cu harta - se incarca foarte greu, dar aflu de pe diverse bloguri si forumuri multiple informatii interesante: cum poti ajunge foarte repede la Mangalia luand-o prin Bulgaria sau cum ajungi la mare pe bicicleta si unde poti innopta pe parcurs. Sun pe ceferistul sef – trage si el pe dreapta, unde o fi fost, scoate harta rutiera, ma lamureste - cea de langa Dragalina, Drajna. Sun inapoi la baza numarul 2 si lamuresc, ma intorc la geamul meu. 8:50 Stationam! La un moment dat ma uit nu cumva sa fie Santiago de Ciulnita, insa e prea devreme, sun la legatura mea din Ciulnita - intre timp ajunsese, ma astepta cu masina, imi zice "nu, nu, trebuie sa vezi blocuri". Zic sceptica: "serios, blocuri????, "nu ma, nu, sunt 3 case atat" oki doki, false alarm! Peisajul se deruleaza in continuare, ne miscam la fel ca atunci cand se blocheaza youtube-ul. 9:00 Oprim in camp, ma agit din nou, nu cumva sa ratez metropola. Ma arunc pe usa, ma chinui sa o deschid, camp peste tot si in zare o bucata de pseudo-peron, inteb ce e aici, nimeni nu stie. Sun din nou la Ciulnita, zic "l-a anuntat cumva prin statie? asta e??", "nu, nu, nu a anuntat nimic!" se aude din receptor melodia tipica: "ta na na na na na naaaaaaaaaa, trenul Inter Regio de la Mangalia la Bucuresti..." zic "ok nu e asta, stai pe pozitii". 9:10 Ne miscam, din goana trenului (not!!) vad o bariera, masini oprite: ceva cu Siloz Sarulesti, sc Fundulea etc… great, ca sa ajungem noi cu masina in Fundulea ne ia foarte putin, e bine de stiut cum e cu trenul. Ma intorc la amica mea si ne lipim iar ochelarii de geam. 9:20 Deja mamica amicei mele cu ochelari de soare se amuza copios cum nici o halta nu este cea la care sper. Vorbesc din nou cu baza no 2.- legatura mea plina de rabdare de la Ciulnita, ma intreaba "auzi, dar in ce tren esti tu?", "in 1632" zic eu nevinovata. "pai tocmai au anuntat ca are 1 ora intarziere datorita unor defectiuni tehnice", amutesc! "voi va miscati?", "da si culmea, chiar cu ceva viteza acum" PAUZA! Am o revelatie, viteza ametitoare imi zburase mintea: "stai, stai, ca nu sunt in trenul pentru care mi-am luat bilet, sunt in 1822, ala cu intarzierea de la Arad" Pfiu!! 9:35 In sfarsit oprim, culmea, usa mea e pe ultima bucatica de peron. Sar cu speranta ca am nimerit-o. Evident nimeni altcineva nu-si doreste sa coboare in faimoasa Ciulnita, nu-mi imaginez de ce. Nasica ma vede si striga spre mine de la un geam zambind: "e bine, e bine!!" la capatul celalalt al peronului vad o fata familiara si rasuflu usurata. Concluzie: Tradez cauza si mostenirea de ceferist si ma intorc cu microbuzul! PS: Si astfel mijloacele de transport folosite au fost, in ordine (in 21 de ore): masina personala, tren, alta masina, microbuz, taxi, metrou, alt taxi.

duminică, 29 iulie 2012

Fear of Friday

This feeling began from other reason, from other Fridays, but now it has come to this: My desire is both friend and foe for me. I'm insecure and you should know why. Is it like in the lyrics: No light, No light? I wanna give and yet I am afraid to take the leap. Heat and adrenaline I like, but i may get burned. Trying to stay away I might have got too close. Addiction is easy, it comes slowly and is hard to manage. And yet, I resent this, if it means to strain ourselves and it does not run smoothly. I try to stay cerebral and yet I lose control. Vexation and frustration are old friends of mine, but I wish to see them as rarely as possible. Honesty our rule, but what if truth is not what we want to hear. I forced the truth twice and all ended up in tears. It matters to know the truth but it matters also what you do with it, how you value the information, it's not owning it's capitalization. Dancing with somebody is not always about leading, is about harmony, about knowing when to step back and when forward, maintaining a rhythm, is about losing yourself. Quence my desire like the song says. I will guide you but some things I just cannot say. Funny how easy we forget how miserable we were and we become more and more demanding. I don't know who is fakeing this more - me or you or which is worse. Let’s not take this for granted, let’s make the begining last. Afterall genius is: "1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration". Just like a relationship - you cannot just wait for things to be perfect, you make them perfect. The ecuation is not a+b=r (relationship). R is not the solution, is just the begining of a journey, is part of the matrix, a and b have many specifications, that are revealed in time. You start discovering the other one, learning things, reactions, history, future, food, moods, faces, ways of laughter. Begining should be about discovering, should not be hurried, should be about the other one. Have the faith of putting me in the spotlight and not you and I will do the same. All the arguments in the world I cannot convince you - it should come from you. Some are afraid to give, some are afraid to open, some to talk, some to act, some to forgive. Cannot ask for what you cannot give. Cold shower every month may lead to permanent damage. No guarantees, nothing lasts forever, I couldn't agree more, but walking permanently on thin ice is not pleasure&passion&danger, it may be just fatal. Midnight walks in the park, messages, bed time stories, looks...gone with the wind? Have I got the right to wish them back? Which is worse: knowing how it feels like and regret when it’s over or never knowing how it feels like and not having what to dream of? From ice to fire, that can be a rush but of what material should I be made of? The key is not even about doing/saying, it's about what you broadcast by looks, by gestures, by small things. Change of mind or change of heart? And who’s?

duminică, 3 iunie 2012

La vale

Simt ca ma rostogolesc...la vale. La inceput e placut, distractiv, rad si ma simt bine. Ma intersectez in rostogolirea mea cu cei dragi, cu oameni noi, ne tinem de mana si e fain, radem si senzatia e minunata. Alegem obiective si gonim tintit spre diverse destinatii. Timpul pare ca se dilata, pare ca reusesc sa ajung mai repede oriunde, sa absorb cat cat mai multe si sa strabat lumea mai repede. Imi place viteza si aerul tare, ma simt libera si deschid ochii pentru a absorbi tot din jur. Se deruleaza nori, copaci, scene, detalii, cadre diverse, zile, saptamani. Dupa o vreme nu mai e fain, nu mai vad peisajul atat de clar, nu mai pot tine ochii deschisi, nu mai simt mireasma aerului din jur. Mai rau, nu mai reusesc sa respir si nici nu mai reusesc sa mentin ritmul ca sa ma tin de mana cu cine as vrea. Gonesc din ce in ce mai tare si nu ma pot opri. Nu mai reusesc sa simt, sa ma coordonez cu ritmul atins si sa ma bucur, devine un cosmar in care nu ma pot opri si timpul capata o alta dimensiune; se comprima si orice as face, desi gonesc repede este si mai rau si ametesc din ce in ce mai tare. As vrea sa ma prind de ceva si sa ma...opresc.

luni, 23 aprilie 2012

TRUST

Trust!
It's all about trust! At every second, even though we may not realise it!
Trust that your house is safe during night...and day, trust that the running water is tested and approved, trust the food you buy is exactly what the label says it is, trust the taxi you are in is safe, trust that the building you work in will not fall in case of earthquake, trust the food at the restaurant will not make you sick, trust that your internet provider will respect the contract, trust that your doctor knows what he's doing, trust that the airplain you are in will not crash, trust that the paper you are using is recicable, that the face cream you use is not tested on animals, trust that the money you donate get to who is supose to get it, trust that your phone is safe, trust that your bank will keep your money safe, trust your fiends are honest, trust you put around your finger someone who you can trust.
Trust? or just not thinking about such details, or maybe shallowness or protection so your mind won't go crazy?
Involuntary and voluntary trust!!
Some of these are acts of trust we just have to do and deal, but some are in our power!

duminică, 1 aprilie 2012

Pattern

Lets say a flower (I know it’s such a cliche) sees a butterfly and the butterfly also sees the flower.
The problem is that this flower tends to see the butterfly slightly different. Is like she has these hyperpobolic ëffect glasses.
Moreover, she sees colors that are not there, wider wings that are not there, she sees the butterfly mighty & warm, with a wider flight, well...she sees him breathtaking.
Also, she adds to the picture atributes that do not resemble the reality, like when you add to the reality what you read, what you smell, what you dream.
On the other hand, the butterfly sees the flower exactly as she is, without glasses, without illusions.
He sees the drops the rain has left on her, the bruises of the wind, the marks of the snow on her petals.

And whos petals get bruised again because of not so wider & colorfull wings, but of darker and dagerous details than she did not even see there? Or did not even want to see?